how to kill yourself with thoughts and feelings

a lot of stuff happened these past few days... lemme enumerate: FIRST of all, i couldnt drive... why? coz i didnt want to drive the stick shift... boils down to me being lazy and too chicken to go anywhere with it... SECOND... when i finally did get to leave, i was in a hurry coz the car was coding plus, it was traffic.. hell... THIRD... my former student called and declared she was coming to visit me and learn english again and of course, conveniently asked for my help to help her get by here... lodging+school+food+transpo and other crap... and her mother is coming with her... i feel the pressure. FOURTH.. sir didnt call about the job i was supposed to be getting.. does that mean i didnt get the job? hell... FIFTH.. how the heck am i supposed to help my lil bro raise his grades when he refuses to learn? i mean, i have experience being a teacher, but its a known fact that my siblings dont exactly know what it means to have an onni... they have this weird idea planted into their brains that they are higher than me, irregardless of age, and that they could do whatever they want, say whatever they want and so on... someone please take over that job... SIXTH.. my mother started complaining about the car... its hard to open the door to the driver's seat and she suspects i took it somewhere with me where it almost got stolen. hell... does she really think id do that on purpose? why would i want our car to get stolen? who would? honestly.. SEVENTH.. a friend asked me the other day why i seemed to be predictable these days... what? what was that supposed to mean? also claimed im usually not tame... tame? ill show you what's tame... ** EIGHTH.. i received a note from a company. they were demanding i submit my entry for the next issue... what the.. im not even employed by that company... my friend works there and she suggested i submit my work, which ive done until last year... i told her i wont be submitting anything anytime soon... i think i dont i have enough patience to write novels and stories... now here's the company threatening to sue if i dont make the deadline... can they even sue someone not bound to them by a signature? NINTH.. i went to the province thinking i lost my grandpa. my dad came and announced we were going, he didnt look like he wanted any arguments, but i still asked, he shrugged and my mother refused to tell me anything. it did occur to me that i could ask my aunts, but then again.. i wasnt sure how to address them... i couldnt go like " hey tita... did grandpa get sick or something? my dad looks like he wants to bloody someone" i didnt want to upset anyone so i just kept my mouth shut and tried not to let my thoughts get ahead of me, afterall, there is no evidence that something bad has happened, apart from all the scowling my parents were doing... i dressed in haste, in black of course. my mother would usually berate my fashion sense and clothing preferences but oddly enough, she didnt say anything when she saw me... which fueled my already racing thoughts... what the heck has happened? why wont they tell me anything? now im beside myself with worry... i love my grandpa and i dont know what id do if anything happened to him.. i wore an all black outfit coz i was under the impression that we were going there to pay respects coz my grandpa was in the hospital a few days before and my folks refused to talk about it. i figured if i were wrong (which i normally am), nobody would mind my clothes since they do know i have this fixation for black and dark drab colors and i didnt want to look like im going to the mall or something. (by the time we pulled over, my head was about to explode... it was getting damn difficult to mask my emotions) when i got there, balloons and people and tons of food welcomed me. what the hell? who mourns like this? i had this shimmer of hope that i was utterly wrong in my deduction and i went into the house in search of answers, preferably from one of my aunts but by the time i tracked one of them down in the chaos that was supposed to be my father's ancestral home, i got my answer. grandpa was nowhere in sight and still, there was this other question... why in blazes were there humans making a racket outside of the house plus the fact that they brought their own videoke machine? the answer was quick and swift and it came in the form of a little boy. the little boy raced into the house and slammed into me. i didnt see him, he didnt even reach my waist in height. the boy apologized nonstop while running in the other direction, probably in search of his mama. the thing that he dragged caught my attention: a big sky blue (GOD's colors... too bad) balloon ( with helium inside though if im not mistaken, its illegal to inflate balloons that way or have i just lost it?) HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY RENZON FROM MAMA AND PAPA. bloody hell. im at my cousin's festive birthday party in black.